I just woke up with the words DO IT on my hand and six beers in my purse.
yeah, and then after the convo was clearly over, my dad decides to scream "SIZE MATTERS" just to make things even more uncomfortable.
I just can't bring boyfriends home.
You were running around with scissors offering people free haircuts.
you were watching the nanny crying, saying I wish I was that thin eating twinkies. THAT DRUNK.
only clue right now is the orange grease all on my clothes. debit card denied so I know something weird went down..
Yup, totally tried cooking bacon in the dryer last night.
Apparently she saw two women get in a slapping match over a comforter at target yesterday. She said it was awesome. Clearly I take after her.
Weekend plan is a big bag of dope, delivery food, Bollywood marathon and masterbating my dick raw.
I picked up a guy that night wearing a onesie. I kicked Xmas' ass
Best compliment ever: Being told that you really understand sex by a professional. After she gave you a HANDJOB.
On a side note...my DUI lawyer just snapchatted me. This is the exact moment in time when I realized my like IS a joke.
I'm going through what feels like a break up with beer. I'm emotionally distraught from it's lack of presence.
I woke up in a chipotle parking lot with an industrial sized box of condoms and a bag of dounut holes. I need Jesus
He told me I was a good dog mom. I've never been so turned on in my life
Honestly after an incomprehensible political rant yoga seems like the best option at 2 am
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