You stole her cigarette screaming that you were going to stop the air cancer from getting everyone.
at least i was looking out for everybody
She was narrarating everything she did.. like while making toast.
bet u 5 dollars u can't guess were i woke up this morning
oh god.. jail?
better, on the catwalk of the auditorium
yeah so our basement was flooded 4 feet. we just smoke and drank and then went swimming. gotta make the best out of it
I'm sitting the next couple hours out. Puking in a potted plant really put shit into perspective for me.
There's just something about a dollar tree pregnancy test that screams THIS WASNT PLANNED!
I asked her to make me water, which in turn meant get me a glass. She handed me a cup of microwaved ice cubes.
YOU NEED TO STOP BLOWING DUDES ON MY COUCH AT MY PARTIES
YOU NEED TO STOP PROVIDING TEQUILA AT YOUR PARTIES
The uberlube is also flammable
I emailed the police apartment to apologize to the officer from last night. I practically threw a hissy fit because he wouldn't hug me.
It was "against protocol"
You went to a drug deal in a onesie.
Who put the fucking tampon in my Mike's hard lemonade?
I was going to say "wearing plaid doesn't make you gay, I wear plaid!" but then... heavy sigh
So our bartender was in the bathroom the same time I was so I ordered a beer mid stream.....is that weird?
Tent sex on an air mattress requires balance and flexibility. Not for the faint of heart
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