Tell Heather sorry for burning her hair. Also for anything else that I may have done that warrants and apology. Anything after about 10pm is kind of hazy.
ill give you a picture of me naked for $5. im desperate.
he picked an earring up off the bar floor and tried to give it to girls as a present.
i'm already feeling the tequila hangover i'm going to have on friday
Cuz last time you told me I was going to be shocked about something you got a hand job from a stripper in canada
I have your car and your sandals. My shoes are somewhere under the puke couch. Safari time.
He was twisted. Literally. It's like God took his dick with a pair of pliers and gave it a half twist to the left.
Dude I introduced the hot Russian girl to the hot Ukrainian girls. I am a UN ambassador
Dude are you wearing a trashbag right now?....
I seemed to have misplaced my pants...
Maybe he injected his testicle?
But like now I know, men who are vegetarians are significantly worse in bed.
He told me that he wants to fuck me only wearing a princess tiara...How could I possibly say no to that?
I threw my back out having sex last night. I don’t know whether to high five myself for a job well done or cry because I’m old.
When the bouncer doesn't let you in... Don't ask him where he works so you could file a complaint with the better business bureau... It only proves him right.
It's 5 PM...and you're 35. Congrats on being an amazing human being.
I almost suffocated in that mask but she kept calling me Jeremy so I kept it on.
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