I wish I only lived at night.
The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
he was so excited that he found the elusive clitoris. i was like look christopher colombus, just because you found it doesnt mean you knew what to do with it
A 20 minute car ride back to your car with the girl u had drunk anal with is the most uncomfortable thing ever.
I didn't know people actually cried after sex.
Okay, guy from work I want to fuck just told me he liked the font on my PowerPoint presentation. It is so on.
Make me proud, climb that corporate ladder.
i can't find my house
we droppd you off right in front! i even walked you to the steps less then 3 mins ago.
i'm pretty sure my house moved.
It never fails.. every time I have a dick in my mouth he calls me.
Well, she opened the door to puke outside the car, but she threw it open so hard it popped back and hit her in the face.
no. you're not making a beach trip out of my abortion.
After they flagged you, you hid in a bathroom stall and text me to bring you more shots. That kind of drunk.
This is the third time that ive slept with him. He bought me more milk. I can feel the romance growing.
And fyi howling is not an acceptable form of communication.
You can jump from the roof to the pool. Trust me. I have done this before.
Im riding the bus with beer in one hand and chapagne in the other. I love weddings.
Randomize
