i'm chasing tequila w mint flavored ice cream, phil's chasing it w cream cheese, bashar's chasing it w pickles...i think we all know who the winner is....
sitting in my room eating a boneless rib tv dinner, and listening to taylor swift's love story, and i sharted. had to finish the ribs and hear the end of the song before i went to the bathroom to wipe.
Is it weird i consider You Sexy Thing our song?
I didn't think it was possible for the human body to be physically dependant on weed until I moved in with this kid
Nice. I ate a jello shot out of a bovine blow up doll's love hole last night
I walked down to the adult beverage store and got two bottles of jim beam and s shooter of crwon black label because we didn't have any Tylenol
Fuck that must be a crazy sunburn.
Finals week...the biggest cock block since your brother threatened me with a beer bottle at the bar.
Steve called. He needs me to pick him up. He also asked for a set of his clothes, he can't find them. He is such a strong motivation to stay sober.
I literally have a bandage on my dick that's how bad she is at handjobs
I just had a fifteen minute conversation with a Raccoon by the garbage bin. I was feeding it chex mix.
for me, it's working out the tricky timing of the Viagra and nightly laxative.
I'm using my ex bfs phone number to look up his Kroger card so I can get a discount on condoms...yep this is my life
So I have to borrow my moms car tomorrow to go pick up my ID from the strip club so I can board my plane tomorrow
I mean in all honesty I would let James Franco shit on my chest. End of story
Grumpy Cat is dead and fuck EVERYTHING.
Randomize
