Hallmark should totally make "congratulations on getting your period" cards...I feel they would be quite popular.
Pooping in your heated bathroom to the sound of rain and instrumental guitar might be the greatest experience ever.
Just watched a fat girl on a scooter run into the back of a bus head first
You are the luckiest man alive
I need your advice and before you say it, no, it cannot be solved by a blow job
You clearly don't understand the power you wield with your mouth.
Can you give me a hickey quick? Im going to a white trash themed party. Completely serious
What made this night legendary was getting pulled over for looking suspicious while wearing an iron man mask
I think it's time for a new pick up line. So far my " hey you want to go back to my place, order a pizza and fuck?" Has set me at an all time low downtown 0/4
You're about wine.
Yes, I'm like 90% wine at the moment
Just realized Ive never seen my f buddy in the daylight. What if he looks different?
We might as well just set our livers out to sea on burning ships
He handed me a beer to drink as he went down on me. I want to keep him
Yeah you'd pretty much be ruined if you broke up with a guy like that and then had to return to the dating pool
Please tell your sister I apologize about saying her baby may have beef curtains. That was inappropriate.
It began the way the best stories do—with some naïve jackasses in a place they had no business being at.
don't think less of me for this, but i'm pretty sure he did a line off my boob last night.
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