my drunken desire to be gossip girl continues to ruin friendships for me
Maybe if i eat something filling like whole wheat pasta it will make me less hungry for things like dick
i just got arrested. apparently dont move means dont move.
Molly wanted me to tell you, "she hasnt shit on the floor in a while" like she thinks its an accomplishment.
"I could never have "feelings" for someone who, at one point, wanted to "hate fuck" my face."
He had the Transformers symbol tattooed to his chest. We had to do it doggy style so I could laugh into my pillow instead of his face.
I'm not sure where but someone shit somewhere in the house
Just saw a crackhead get taken down by pd in the canal. Its offically spring
I wasn't so much your wingman at that point as I was the interpreter of you point at shit and mumbling to the cab driver.
shotgunning beer in rite aid bathroom. hurry
The only thing that got me through this hellish day was imagining a large Swedish penis inside of me.
What did your vagina DO during the nhl lockout?!
Americans.
And then you refused to pee in anything but a sink
I don't know if the fact that I carry lube in my purse means I'm living life right or I'm doing it wrong..
He left a fire sauce packet from taco bell that said "promise you'll text me in the morning" on my nightstand.
You know that tattoo place next to Dallas? The naked sexy frog on my neck is proof that their "won't tattoo if drunk" sign is bullshit!
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