Crap im kindd 0f drunkk we just hooked up in a mcdonalds parking lot but i dont know why how we are here
I wasn't excited about it either, but if I was going to have her take a load on her face, role playing as some french dude is the least I could do
of course. lets lasso hookers.
Even DaVinci knew it was gay to draw the penis big. Thanks art history
I don't care. I'll be that guy that eats cake in a car. Alone. With the doors locked.
remind me again why lemons and alcohol in the crock pot is a bad idea?
Life lesson today, a six foot hot guy I meet at a party CANNOT fit on my bike with me.
Man, only now that I'm single is it painfully obvious that I have zero booty calls in waiting. This could be a cold winter
The amount of alcohol I'm going to consume on my birthday is directly proportional to the amount of shit I've had to put up with this past year. Which is a lot.
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
HEAR YE, HEAR YE! BY ROYAL DECREE, I WILL BE KNOCKING ON YOUR DOOR AT 2PM UNLESS YOU GET THE FUCK UP. IT'S 1:50. CIGARETTE TIME, BITCH. I LOVE YOU.
I feel as if the hash cupcakes on top of mushroom chocolates was a little excessive last night
Just put me in your contacts as coyote
So a bottle of lube exploded all over my softball bag and Nike shirt.
I’m not washing my pussy with handsoap.
Randomize
