I know, he also has a fancy car to make up for his tiny penis
cruising supermarkets, asking random people where i can get weed. fuck alaska
doing washington apple shots with my mom. sunday afternoons suddenly got so much better.
Just saw Youth in Revolt. There are only so many times Michael Cera can lose his virginity.
You remember those guys we called the police on after they stole our keg? Turns out one of them is a student instructor in one of my classes. Figuring out how best to use this information.
She left scratches down my back from her wedding ring. Her husband seems like a nice guy though, judging by the scratches it had to be at least a carat.
Using the ceiling fan to slice the hotdogs in mid-air can only be contributed to our liberal use of 1800.
That was the #1 scariest moment in my life. I have full trust in you, I let you bite my penis for god sake.
I think the last straw was when you put on ice skates to go across the waxed wooden floor.
I think I'm a wingman for every guy who bangs a girl I scarred in highschool.
He made me a flamingo drink and now I don't know why things are the way they are.
Did I, at any point last night, say I was dying?
I can't believe that after 9 years of signing things as "BATMAN", the first place to turn it down was the liquor store down the block.
Hold on, I'm taking nudes in a blanket fort right now
Well when I woke up this morning I didn’t think I’d be masturbating to my own LinkedIn profile today but here we are
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