Down at cameli's and some homeless dude just pulled out a taser. Awesome.
You owe me a new pair of headphones. You plugged mine into the top of a mustard bottle.
omg theres cum all over the american flag and now its up in front of his house.
just so you're aware of it in the morning: you tried to slide down the railing on a snuggie. twice.
I literally just wielded a katana to save a child's life. What did you do today?
Dreamed I made out with a stranger after falling out of a car, let's make this happen tonight.
Someone just told me I have an ass that could kill small children .... Don't know how to take that one
I will no longer accept nudes from you because I met your boyfriend last night and he seems like a nice guy
Drive by water balloon fight on $500,000 boats ended when someone threw a dildo
He was just lying in his underwear like a present. I had to unwrap it.
How do you initiate sexting are u supposed to be like yo I'm peeing and eating a clif bar and texting and thinking about you naked all at the same time
dude, you ran into a window then asked ME what the fuck I was doing.
I love you. I would never turn you into a bear.
i ran into the Jo the housecleaner earlier this morning. i mentioned i had a little hangover and she asked what the occasion was.. i replied "Tuesday" without thinking. she judged the shit out of me.
Decided to stay sober a couple days, learned how exceptionally stupid my coworkers are. Might have to quit now. Moral of the story:be careful where you go sober.
Randomize
