I'm sorry I'm just not ready to become vampire yet
Last night was epic. Hooked up with Emma Watson, found twenty bucks, and then passed out on my floor.
No you didn't. You drank unbelievable amounts of 151, passed out in someone else's bathroom, and we carried you back to your floor. Nice dreams though.
This kid is drunk.
I hope by "this kid" you mean yourself and not some child you have kidnapped and gotten wasted.
We talk about tequila and blow jobs the way that normal people talk about the news and the weather.
You were throwing up and said, "Whipe my face, I must look presentable at all times."
Today, my boyfriend informed me that I look like my dad when I orgasm
That would be a dream come true. Seriously, he's like my mount everest, my life's ambition is to climb him.
And is it bad that I haven't talked to guys who I haven't already dated? I feel like a recycle bin.
No more morning sex. Just for once, my vagina would like to go to work bone-dry and bone-free.
Sware then you fell into me doing a Tarzan swing thing and my margherita spilled and shattered all over this guy and sice you were on the ground you tried to pull it off by twerking on the floor lmfao
All he gave me was a sore vagina and film suggestions
You told me you were trying to learn all the MLB ballparks while you waited for your porn to load.
We fucked. Had a political debate. I won. So I sat on his face.
TSA doesn’t allow handcuffs in carryon bags. Super fun they confiscated them in front of my boss and coworker.
I miss all the tiny banana hammocks... When can I go back to ogling? I can do it from a lot farther than six feet without any complaints.
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