Come to the Burger King. We're waiting for you.
My mom just bought me $200 worth of booze on the condition that I promise I won't have to go to rehab eventually
her name was charlotte except you kept calling her chatroulette and yelling at her to show you her boobs
I just threw up during my phone interview for the largest PR firm in the world.
Well he's not exactly single.. It's like an open relationship his wife doesn't know about
They were greeting people getting off the 48 with green beers and cheers. The one day I decide not to take the bus home...
I just faked an interview like I fake a fucking orgasm. Wonder if these candidates can tell I'm a tired and hungover recruiter?
Just gave my liver a good luck and I'm sorry speech
i want to have his babies. i NEED to. shit i wont even ask for child support, he's that goodlooking.
We got stoned and took selfies with the most perfect lawn
Stop fucking Sharon's exes.
Sorry it took me so long to reply. I was fucking Sharon's ex.
We both knew it was over when I took a u turn at her belly button.
It was a fun night. I made out with the door guy at the gay bar but he didn't speak english
There was no door guy at the bar
He motorboated me, gave me a business card congratulating me on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
I once left mine in my bra and I forgot and I didn't notice it was there until it vibrated.
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