i think my tv is drunk
Whatever my ex gf's roomates talked shit about me so I jizzed in their shampoo bottle one night
It's a big world.....someone has to fuck it.
im laying here in the parking lot drinking a warm coke, prob still drunk, feeling like i need to apologize to everyone i know
There are lots of gay asians. This is better than i was expecting
I can't even type what I drank. I'll throw up
literally hosing herself off in my back yard with the hose. i offered her the shower but she refused. that drunk.
My vagina loves me do-dah do-dah my vagina loves me do-dah do-dah
I picture you throwing your vagina around in the same fashion that they pass out candy at a parade.
He thought you were kidding about me peeing on my ex...and then I was like "that was one time"
what the hell makes you think you get to decide what your going to wear at our weding!?
I was so drunk at your wedding that Uber is now showing up in my Spotify recent searches.
Remember that guy that walked around our house naked with a boner wearing nothing but his winter coat? Well, he has a kid now.
You stole my car to go to your boyfriends. Now your parents are fucking in the next room at top volume, and I have no way to escape..thought you should know that the amount of therapy I'll be needing for this is expensive.
You're the best friend ever.
Bro, I live in a constant state of existential dread and moderate ennui. The prospect of cosmic horror doesn’t faze me that much.
You have thirteen minutes to get here if you want to get back together. Otherwise I'm getting digits from the waitress.
Randomize
