remember the used condom we threw behind my bed? my mom found it and is accusing me and making a big deal out of it,
Haha! You pissed me off, so I actually told her to go look behind your bed. Good thing I moved to Nevada, so your dad can't kick my ass. Good luck bitch.
My roommate is on the phone with one of her friends trying to figure out how she threw up IN her pants. I'm not sure whether to burst out laughing or direct her towards Plan B.
he's got a countert top full of yard sale blenders so id say maragita wednesdays is a go.
He asked me if we could throw a lingerie party together so I guess he's single again
We couldn't find him for like 4 hours. Turns out he was sitting under a tree and had thrown his phone in a lake because he couldn't figure out how to unlock it. Freshmen.
Hey, if I can't get it and you're still alive, can you get the glass out of my foot? Happy Sunday.
Did I tell you I bit someone's arm for you last night
There was so much jailbait at the festival that there was no other option but to drink my morals away
I almost forgot to feel shameful, if that answers your question.
Does your drug dealer have a printer I can use??
I'm taking pictures of my asshole to send to my boss. This is not what I had in mind the day after thanksgiving.
My New Year's resolution is to chill out on the group sex. At least with my friends anyway.
I just found vampire teeth and a moustache in my purse. do you know why?
If i'm not ready, make sure i'm alive. Not passed out dead in the shower.
I'll still do breakfast to celebrate the life you've had.
HANDS OFF UNTIL AFTER I DO BUTT STUFF WITH HIM.
Randomize
