can you have the cops turn on the gps locator on my phone...i just woke up in a Hooters uniform and I have no idea where I am...
Soo....this goes on the list of odd coincidences. My gyno calls me while I'm going at it, leaves me a message. I check it later... thank God I tested negative.
She is totally STD
Is it a bad omen that my phone auto corrects dtf to STD
chipotle is closed for thanksgiving... I am officially thankful for NOTHING.
There's an Captain Planet marathon because of Earth Day. I can't NOT turn this into a drinking game.
Peach margaritas. And fuck whatever you're about to say, the girl to guy ratio is like 6:1. I need those odds
I have officially tracked lube all over our house on the bottom of my socks without knowing it. Don't slip when you come in
I DO NOT KNOW WHO SHE IS, WE HAVE NO MORE FRUIT, SHE CAN'T STAY HERE.
Wait also totally unrelated but can horses sit down?
I just tried to picture one and I don't think they can cause I can't envision it
I wish I saved his nudes so I could anonymously submit them to his tumblr
I found my weird threshold when Truth or Dare became everyone get naked and snort Adderall off the kitchen counter.
I'm smoking in a kimono on the couch. Bring me gin.
I just used my citation as a bookmark. Want a beer?
What am I supposed to say? "Hey remember last spring when I did an ergonomic assessment on your office, well here's an ergo for your dick."
Haha word. Sure I can do that. Help me find which bar has my pants and you'll get free tacos all week
Randomize
