also, made friends with this 75 year old millionaire Tony who likes to mosh. Don't ask.
quit re-tweeting John McCain's tweets
i wanted a birthday blowjob. not a birthday VD.
so apparently we got drunk enough at the reception to rip the center pieces apart and use the flower vases as "fancy glasses"
can your parents tell?
i just had a cookie in one hand and a phone in the other and tried to eat my phone...they know
every time you want to hook up with a guy who has a girl friend, i'll just give you a freshman
Admitting I go to nursing school is my subtle way of saying, yes, I know every muscle in your penis and how to effectively use them.
I spent most of the night convinced it was my birthday. But I was probably wrong, it can't be January, can it? I'm 90% sure its not. But maybe. The days have got shorter. Is this what unemployment feels like to everyone?
Sorry, but when you makeout with a guy in a panda suit, you know something has to change.
My vag hurts but I feel vindicated
That is an interesting emotion combo
A guy claiming to be the Japanese counterpart to the White Power Ranger is trying to take me home....
Nothing like sitting at your midterm pissed at yourself because you put your graphing calculator batteries in your vibrator and forgot to put them back in before the exam 😑
im going to smoke a cigarette and reflect on my life choices
Goat in kitchen.....explanation?....
I wasn’t trying to be creepy it just happened
I’m beginning to think that’s your defining personality trait.
Randomize
