I woke up fully clothed on top of my sheets and i didnt even pee myself..so proud.
If I were a boy, I'd name my penis Reptar.
I wouldn't really call it 'getting lucky' considering I paid her to do it.
When she can manipulate the direction of her leg hair, you know its time to leave
If I die I am blaming you for not answering to tell me the proper dosage of horse tranquilizers to take
Welp. I just hopped out of his window to avoid meeting his parents... happy monday!
I WAS JUST SITTING HERE BEING SNIFFED BY ODD WOMEN FOR A SOLID 5 MINUTES. My face was a twist of utter fear and confusion...
Relaxed was like phase 1 of this phase 7 high
he said we should drink responsibly and we all just kinda sat there laughing at him
At the bar, some guy bumped into you and you screamed "hey, don't touch what you can't afford sunshine!"
Her hotness level dropped from an 8 to a 2 as soon as I walked into her place. It REEKED of cat piss and there was no litter box and NO CATS.
Current dream situation- Gordon Ramsey is my Uber driver and he's hauling around a backseat filled with chocolate covered açai berries. I'm good for eternity.
Well I got black out drunk before the rehearsal dinner and berated my family with insults. But other then that it was a good time
we're so committed to being not committed
I gave your mom a discount on her coffee, its my way to say thanks for having a son that makes me come every time
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