saw a man at the beach in a red speedo. when he rolled over he unintentionally displayed a HUGE skid mark.
It's almost summer. We need to start reconnecting with our home drug dealers.
I don't appreciate you drunk dressing passed-out me in spandex for bed
Just put the gallon of milk in the microwave. Dad might know im high.
during a bj, his alarm went off and he said "At the buzzer"
she has an amazing ass but I need more beers to get past her horse face. It works out perfect becauseI can use her teeth as a bottle opener.
I'm fucked up. I can't drink anymore. We stole a cat.
I may hire someone just to sell my family the drugs they keep asking me for. It's cutting into my doing drugs time.
I just used my AAA membership to fix a strippers flat tire in return for a lapdance...does that make me a bad person?
I don't think I even want to know why you are sending my husband pictures of your nutsack.
Getting your clit pierced is not something you want to trust to a crazy girl with an ice cube, some vodka, and a sewing needle. Trust me. I learned that the hard way.
My apartment is also really close to an alcohol rehab in case I get out of hand
my mom snuck into my room, washed her clothes and made her breakfast. what the fuck she's a better boyfriend than I am
A 3am FaceTime to go to IHOP is the closest thing to a bootycall that I'm getting
Idk if I should be worried or amused that my autocorrect changes the word STD to DTF.
Randomize
