We named our party play list daddy issues
i know you like preteen girls so i'm gonna offer you some advice...dump a bucket of glitter on yourself and walk into the sunlight. they will come running.
I woke up with a random mailbox in my room with a note that said "this should probably be returned. Happy Thursday!"
Well if all fails we can always become surrogate mothers. I hear that pays well.
we knew we'd be okay when we walked up to the dealers house and he asked us to please be quiet as to not wake his nana.
judging by her collection of mens sweaters, shes fucked the entire lands end catalog.
After the clumsiest day of my life I think it's safe to say my dream of being a ninja is dead. Memorial service with a glass of wine at 8pm
Fucking holidays. How do I have this many men who want to fuck me and none of them are available when I'm ready to blow my top?
Hey, it's all about finding the bright side. And boobs are definitely a bright side.
My moms new boyfriend looks like Stu Pickles if he was in a biker gang. He gave me free coke though, so come party?
Your grandma changed her Netflix password :(
She puked off the side of the cruise ship onto a newlyweds balcony table and they watched it all happen then they made her clean it up
I dropped a piece of Mac and cheese in the shower and I almost still ate it. Stoned, but not stoned enough to degrade myself.
Uess honpr I rememebrt hEzS cuter
You'll have to translate that into sober in the morning.
It's not a hangover, it's "slept on a couch with another person and said person moves a lot and is loud"
Randomize
