Whatcha textin bout Willis?
Life lesson: if you fart while talking to a girl outside, the smell does not dissipate, it just lingers around mocking you
i kept drunkenly begging people i met to be in my facebook mafia
They are making fun of natty and blackberries.
Tell them they are ugly.
Did I tell you I had a charge show up for $36 on a credit card I haven't used in 6 months from Wild Wings? It was that night we slept across the street from the bar.
Just woke up bloody and clutching a rear view mirror I'm pretty sure is from my car. For those of you keeping score at home this is why I stopped drinking four loko.
Well I squeegeed the puke off your arm at the gas station
i think he was starting go for a boob grab when we both realized the middle of a public tennis court wasn't the place
Sending a dick pic with a 2010 time stamp on it is violation of proper sexting etiquette
HIS BALLS ARE HEAVEN SENT FROM THE VELVET ANGLES.
Just keep your throat open and beer will always find its way in.
YOU HAVE TO STOP TELLING BARTENDERS WE DON'T HAVE MORAL STANDARDS
DONT TELL ME I CANT HAVE AN ENTIRE BOTTLE OF VODKA AT DINNER. IM AN ADULT. I PAY BILLS.
Why did my mother make you get naked?
you pulled out seven eyelashes and made me count them multiple times whilst crying hysterically.
Randomize