I enjoy that i have a whole shelf of clothes that I've accumulated from random sex. You know the ones you get to make the morning after look less awkward like similar to an athletes trophy shelf
He walked in and put an x made out of tape on the floor. He then announced that he was going to pass out there. Cocky or strategic?
I just figured out that you can toast a marshmallow with a butter knife and a cigarette lighter. I'm like a retarded Mister Wizard
Upside of a two-day migraine: thanks to a prominent "E" in the middle of every pill, I think we can totally pass off Excedrine Migraine as ecstasy to stupid, drunk freshman. This is totally going to happen. That entrepreneurship course is paying off.
I made out with a bride-to-be last night at the bar. Jesus died for our sins right?
i just thought that perhaps i was done with the "boning on someone else's futon" stage of my life. guess not.
Is that a polar bear? You seriously grinded with a polar bear at the club?
we're decorating our christmas cookies with birth control. so pretty.
Well, we could've been at the bar taking a shot everytime my rash spread. But Noooooo. You had to go out with your non- girlfriend. Lame.
The staples of my diet are Labatt Blue, Xanax, and brick cheese.
I should have never moved out...
It was like in the Christmas carol when the guy pulls his robe back and 2 small children appear... except this time it was a massive scrotum
HAPPY AIDS-LESS FOURTH OF JULY YOU HEALTHY FUCK
I found an industrial strength sharpie in the drawer so I started writing BONER JAM 2014 on everyone's foreheads so they kicked me out
my grandpa paid for my boob job but he just doesn't know it.
so I think we need to change lawn care services...the guy woke me up by the pool while I was naked...told me he already picked up all the beer cans for us and gave me his number for the next time we party...
Randomize
