he has a girlfriend so we used my stuffed animals to pretend to have sex
According to my dad, my tongue ring makes people assume I give a lot of blow jobs because, as stated by him "that's what it's for"
she works at a police station now. i think thats the definition of keeping your enemies closer.
ohhh no, absolutely not. i am waaayyy too superstitious to have sex with the self-proclaimed "baby-maker" on father's day...
It doesn't matter if I tell the story beginning to end or end to beginning, the story still starts with a random girl blowing me in the bathroom.
My TA just came over to give us drugs. Now he's drinking grey goose with my roommate and explaining his thesis to her. This is too much.
I'm drinking beergaritas with a dog who is high and a baby
your completely serious
Straight up if I get stuck with her I'm going to drink myself into a prison cell.
Well the good news is my "i'm an adult" dinner party went well, they all brought wine and complimented my cooking abilities. the bad news is i woke up with the leftovers in my bed/on my face
On a separate but also a very relevant note, can we practice drinking wine like real people?
im destined to be single forever. i hope its okay if your kids come and hang out with my cats.
I think I might get 604 tattooed on my ass tonight...
why does CNN give a flying $@*# about the royal baby so, so much?
i hope they name him Joffrey
I've already come to terms that I'm gonna have to bone a few gross librarians, but hey, it's college
We are making a pool on how long he stays sober this time you want in?
You know it's been a rough week when you funnel beers by yourself.
Randomize
