My birth control alarm gets more depressing every night.
He left an unopened 12 pack of beer by my bed. I guess that's his way of saying thanks for the sex..
I just want you to know that were having pizza delivered to the emergency room
i dunno what you eat but your cum is all over my underwear and it smells like pretzels
If I come over right now will you promise to distract your grandpa in the morning so I don't have to do the walk if shame with 1940's style judgement?
Apparently you can talk a girl into leaving the bar and coming back to your tent, who knew?
ugh... thank God for ATM withdrawal limits. I was drunk enough to give that weird shaped stripper all of my money while making her cry in the back room.
NEW RULE: can't hook up with more than 50% of the groomsmen in wedding party or it becomes wrong kind of weird. NUMBERS GAME.
While all the other girls were trying to out skut the next, Cameron was just doing cartwheels around the bar. I think she's the only one who got laid.
I'm all for hockey players but dude, he asked me to lick his chipped tooth mid-hook up.
No, it wasn't really a sexy 'I'm going to go masturbate.' It was an 'I'm going to go masturbate' that implied I was going to drink a tall boy of Mikes and cry while I looked at lesbian porn.
Getting your clit pierced is not something you want to trust to a crazy girl with an ice cube, some vodka, and a sewing needle. Trust me. I learned that the hard way.
My hand smells like rave and peanut butter.
I didn't want to leave, I wanted to move into his ass
APPARENTLY I MISSED SOMEONE SWALLOWING A WHOLE BAG OF METH WHILE I WAS ON BREAK.
Randomize