my room smells like sperm. sweet.
I have new birth control, three bottles of jack, and some coupons for micky d's. You wanna have that sleepover?
just balanced a champagne glass on my gut. thanks to beer im a living breathing tempur-pedic mattress.
Gave the kid in the wheelchair at the bus stop a beer and proceede to lift him on the bus. porch drinking brings out the best in everyone
they call him Oral-B. enough said
Happiness is watching your asshole boss' police DUI video.
i should probably stop thinking with my vagina, and start using that $70, 000 education i can't afford. what the fuck.
Operation "Inform her family she stars in a sadistic lesbian porn film" is in full effect. She picked the wrong guy to cheat on.
too bad I'd hit a car before I'd hit a bush.
Are we talking about jumping from windows or your willingness to fuck a car instead of a woman?
Adding to the list of things I have said out loud at the bar that I shouldn't have: "I am the yoda of sucking dick"
No other way to put this but the dick was not worth him crying for an hour after. No more online hookups.
You grabbed your house keys, threw them at the door and asked, "did it open?"
Why can't all sociopaths be as fabulous as me?
So the 25yr old smokeshow I fucked last night said "Prepare to be disappointed" as he put the condom on. I was. 40 is bullshit.
You know that voice that tells you to do something spontaneous after 1am? Don't listen to it.
Randomize
