Did you hallucinate the same white buffalo that I did last night.
No, but I did see you shaking hands with a homeless man.
Today's life lesson: fat girls should not wear tight miniskirts and vinyl leggings. This Forever 21 salesgirl is a hot mess.
Yep just saw a license plate that read "taint 2" which implies there is a "taint 1". Only in Florida
Managed to convince my mom that I had been home for 3 hours sleeping on the couch downstairs and this t-shirt was your dads. I am SUCH a fucking boss.
the moment we started interpretive dancing last night wouldve been a good time to stop drinking.
He ran five blocks just to watch me and my best friend make out. I think he's a keeper.
not my fault hes the one that tried to cuddle after. said he wanted to spoon away the shame.
But he does seem to be getting proper humping etiquette down. So there's progress.
Btw I don't have words to express my appreciation at how many times you've had to be on a dirty bar bathroom floor for me in the past two weeks
For a man with no legs he was surprisingly good at doggy style.
I don't know whether to high-five you or stage an intervention.
Uhh I just had to break up with a guy who I didn't even know I was dating...
Anal on new furniture sounds like a quickest way to violate a warranty
My boyfriend just called me on his poop break from work.... Is that what you meant by moving too fast?
my penis made a compromise with my morals
A Valium induced mom decided to walk into my bedroom this morning without knocking. Guess what I was doing? FML
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