when i say i joined a midget dating site why do u assume i was drunk
My penis is bigger than his and I don't even have a penis.
So I was just looking through the calendar on my phone seeing what day new years was on & on dec 31st at 9am it says "nude champagne toast". Guess we have to do it.
new hobby: convincing random sorority girls around campus that we hooked up last weekend. i'm 2 for 5.
Well, let me tell you, it was the most vivid sex dream I've ever had. More so than the Paris Hilton one I had in 05. And about as weird.
So it sounded like a midget was barfing IN our walls again this morning ...
it would be a downgrade if your vagina tasted like skittles
And then she sprinted three blocks through live traffic towards McDonalds screaming "THE GOLDEN ARCHES ARE CALLING ME"
Only my second night back in town and I already have drunk middle aged women doing the robot around me in a circle.
He pulled out a red and green condom and then started humming "Here Comes Santa Claus." Happy holidays indeed.
A stoners worse nightmare? Well packaged snacks. Just took me 5 mins to get a cinnamon roll out of the package. And another 3 mins to properly type this text
My FitBit tracked the calories I burned during sex. Hello 2015!
YOU CAN'T GET A TATTOO BECAUSE OF KPOP FANFICTION. THAT'S NOT HOW LIFE WORKS
Ripping out my IUD in Dave and busters bathroom
people keep driving by and judging me for drinking natty outside in my underwear at 9 am. rude.
Randomize
