ok what kind of idiot turns down casual afternoon sex?
I don't want to talk about it. He was like the Little Engine that couldn't get me off.
Saw a guy in a chef outfit covered in mustard talking jiberish into his phone running across the skywalk.
You chanted SOFA PIZZA all night then we woke up to find about ten slices under the cushions where you were sleeping....
Guess whose mug shot is NOT on the Internet anymore?!?!
I peed on his girlfriend's loofah during our post-sex shower.
What? My family got wasted on patron and I threw up on my pants and said it was gravy. Hot mess.
You slid down the wall and got into the fetal position. He was definitely judging... I was judging....
I think we need to dedicate ourselves to building your stamina back to uterus breaking level
You're wearing a hospital gown and pearls. Let's reevaluate your life.
How'd the date with the redheaded dentist go?
She didn't like my gingervitis joke
THIS IS THE 11TH FUCKING COFFEE TABLE THAT YOU AND RICHARD CRASHED THROUGH.
I'm surprised me and Richard survived 11 of your coffee tables.
YOU TWO ARE BUYING ME A NEW ONE I AM PISSED.
Crying while I'm pooping. I think this is rock bottom
Banged a girl last night wearing nothing but my Team USA Olympic jersey. I think it's safe to say that nut was for America.
If you’re wondering why the bong is outside the garage door just know I was being environmentally efficient by not using the freezer to chill my shit
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