gail simmons from food & wine magazine just heard me order my plan b pill
did you ask her what wine to pair it with?
A 21st bday and NYE should be illegal to have in the same week...
We found him pissing on the sidewalk in his socks signing the national anthem. I love you summer.
Are you still at the party or did I leave?
Someone better explain the burnt stove marks on my bed.
So roofie roulette was a success but I'm a little worried that the 2 who got the tainted beer still haven't contacted anyone...
I want him to rain dance my fallopian tubes.
Can you pick up from work today? There's a surprise for you on the bed and I haven't gone blind which is positive.
He ordered three small pizzas while I was giving him head.
At least he finally released me from his spooning oven of death...
Pride is not for the college student young Padawan. Tequila is for the college student.
He came so hard that he yelled what sounded like a spell from Harry Potter.
The cop took you back from the hospital and the lady at the front desk said "how are you doing cal?" You said "how do you know my name?" she responded "you're the only person i've ever seen that can throw up in your back pocket." Skills dude.
I blacked out in the cab last night... Cant remember getting in the front door, also i got into bed with my grandma.
WE ARE DOING DRUGS AND GOING TO THE STRIP CLUB SATURDAY LADIES
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