I think I won the penis lottery.
if you were to get worldwide popularity from playing guitar with a plastic yellow bat while drunk on YouTube, would you hate me?
Yeaaah, so cabbie laughed at me, and said, "rough nite? Let me find you some music" . apparently OPP is the appropriate ride of shame soundtrack.
I ate the snowman's head. That is not a drug euphemism.
Taped crackers to the wall. Sat I'n the dryer. Bobby had to pull me out by my hair. No more.
Dude, they are shaking the RV, yell at them. It feels like i'm being rocked to sleep, I don't like it, I'm not a baby.
I did the mature thing and subtweeted that bitch. She follows me so she'll see.
Stop thinking your God dude. You passed out. God doesn't pass out...
Nothing brings people closer than bonding over tequila shots and running from campus security.
I screamed so bad because I thought he was going for my sandwich forgetting it was in my hand
Definitely got a blow job in Charles Schwab's bed last night.
I love my job.
he's had a change of heart. and besides, we could use a laugh.
oh, well, if you all need a good laugh, by all means endanger my life.
Slap a cop in the butt for a felony charge. Check.
Man, it's really obvious that I was either handcuffed or tied up last night. Either way, not something you'd want coworkers knowing.
I know we're not on great terms here, but I need to know if you're still available for sexual activity...cause if not I need to get going on a work-out plan.
Randomize
