Let's hustle tonight so we can relax tomorrow
Perfect. Like where your heads at
By relax I mean have sex
And her vagina tasted EXACTLY like a slim jim
It took 5 minutes to find my bra.. in his car.
I woke up in a place I've never been before, with people I've never met before using me as a table for domino's.
I'm playing a little game called "how many shots of jack can I take before I become a shit show tonight". All front row seats are sold out.
I would like you to know I am eating your apology chocolate, which means i forgive you for puking everywhere before formal
I had 17 beers 2 days ago. I'm not dad material yet
i really need to shower, but i don't want to take off my bra and lose my cleavage. the struggle
for the record im never blowing a guy on the toilet again, that was sad and degrading
the next thing I knew, I was on the floor of a Tim Hortons bathroom in Canada.
Have you ever eaten pizza and gotten your dick sucked at the same time? Because I have pizza.
This is like the first time all week I've properly taken my birth control. My ovaries are so stoked I just know it.
My grandma just invited me to gate crash a funeral for the free food. Priorities.
My drunk ass is being chauffeured around like the damn queen of England
He dicked me, fed me creme brulee, and didn’t make a big deal out of me causing a flood to come outta my vagina
Marry him NOW
Randomize