You fell asleep mid BJ last night. I put your pants back on you. My ego is pretty bruised this morning.
Reason #57 I am going to fail the bar... it's Tuesday and i'm drunk at Toy Story 3.
i realized really quickly that drinking a bottle of vodka and 3 crystal light packets wasn't the best idea i've ever had
he made a joke about you fucking his daughter...i think youre golden
Also, I'm sewing my entire Halloween costume by hand. I better get laid at every single party I go to.
I can't wait to be a mother. My daughters gonna outdrink every boy in her grade
She looks like if Peter Griffin was a lesbian.
Run away.
She gave us all a pep talk at the bus stop at 1 AM. It involved cupcakes and somehow ended with her making out with her best friend. God bless college.
The highlight of your blackout was when you drunk showered with the garden hose and emailed your boss your vacation requests for the next year.
I BIT YOU IN THE DINING ROOM. I bit you and you crunched
I just got home and someone ate all my chicken nuggets. Bitches be asking for a death sentence?
I'm actually kinda upset that we didn't consider velcro-ing detachable capes to our clothes before this moment.
his first act of 2015 was getting stabbed
I had the good sense not to tell her that my summer goal is to get fucked by a med student while wearing a party dress and sparkly shoes
ok first of all what the fuck
Randomize
