The girls stopped by my apartment. They caught me naked with a nearly empty bottle of vodka in one hand, drawing crop circles in the carpet with the vacuum.
i was unsuccessful, further solidifying for me that girls should not masturbate.
an ex called crying about her current BF. convo ended in phone sex. i love emotional wrecks
the majority of my texts from you are at 3 AM & consist of either "I'm drunk", "you're asian", or "bratwurst"
The nurse told me they're using the same medicine that killed michael jackson.
He was rambling about life and dignity and happiness. but all i kept thinking was PENIS. YOU HAVE A PENIS. I CAN SHOW YOU WHERE TO PUT THAT PENIS.
you inspire me to be a worse person
She said, "awww, you're so sweet" after I started putting on a condom. How many STDs have I just contracted?
Nothing says "Good Morning" like Jell-o shots and coffee cakes.
I'm drunk in your building find me and we can have sex.
I threw away my jacket instead of washing it, the jungle juice stained me more of shame than red food coloring... i have never been that white girl wasted before...
He will forever be known as the toe sucker who may or may not have been a father
I feel like I smell like bad decisions
I forget, are we banging TA’s for grades this semester or not?
Depends on how cute he is
This may be the most redneck thing I've ever said, but I know all there is to know about farting dogs
Randomize
