Ever find yourself wondering if your life is God's way of telling a joke?
I did the walk of shame wearing his scrubs. Fucking med school students is the way to go.
I'm walking home wearing Kermit the frog footie pajamas, carrying a monogrammed shot glass set with my name on it. It's fucking Christmas!
he told me it was like eating gods vagina.
Oh my god he's laying on a longboard singing the song from cool runnings.
I'm at the point where I'm gonna write in my mothers bday card. Happy birthday. Please stop having sex with the door open.
Then he texted me that I was the "good kind" of fat.
she dared me to make out with the amish dude so I went up to him and grabbed him by the beard
GRABBED HIM BY THE BEARD
All she has to do is text me and my dick gets hard. It doesn't matter what it's about. Last text was about a homeless dude
His new girl is probably classy and boring. I bet she doesn't feed him sour patch kids while she wiggles his weiner.
If pulling your dick out counts as a hobby that is his.
got a free grilled cheese. Didn't even have to talk about Jesus
I got caught throwing up in my daughters princess potty... On the bright side it played a rewarding tune afterwards.
My history professo slid into my DMs. Granted I did give him “fuck me” eyes during a lecture a few times.
The strippers who live across the street set up a decently professional stage on their front balcony and a banner for a go fund me... I think we're gonna get a show.
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