Listen the way I know if I'm drunk is if I have stage fright in the pisser if I do then I'm not drunk! And I definitely still do right now!
Never fear I pulled out... she had "lies about taking birth control" written all over her
Just woke up on a dolphin floaty wearing only a party hat. There's blood on the side of the pool and glass in the sauna. Worst fucking hangover. But some guy said he is making crepes so its ok
i woke up next to the toilet with a chipped tooth, somebody elses shirt on, and a random guys id in my pocket
dude they had a "sorry for partying" wall in their house which consisted if all the hospital bills, tickets, detox receipts and court orders they've gotten. The ENTIRE wall was covered.
He just referred to himself as a sharp shooter. I had sex with that.
And then you'll find yourself a hot chick and leave me behind with nothing but my back fat to keep me company.
I just watched our fat male neighbor dibble a soccer ball across the lawn. It looked like Baywatch with diabetes
Drive by water balloon fight on $500,000 boats ended when someone threw a dildo
i came home after a long day at work and she dropped a plate of cheesecake and a bottle of whiskey in front of me and said here's dinner
Sorry that I got drunk and refused to let you buy me pizza. I'm a monster and I understand if you hate me forever
But of course I'm in. After all, what fun would the holidays be without trying to find the perfect gift to impress someone you've never met, but need the approval of??
Hooked up with another cop last night. Think I am renaming my vagina "dispatch"
I have 4 more smokes and 6 more beers to go before I make a life changing decision like that.
Someone sitting next to me at this football game is totally eating chicken nuggets out of his pocket and drinking four loko. I wanna be him.
Randomize