I can hear my fat mexican neighbor yelling "do you like that!" ...I hope its not his dog
I'm reducing my diet to vodka and rice cakes.
We are gonna be 90 years old in wheelchairs at the nursing home sitting at computers poking each other and waiting for the other to die so we will have the last facebook poke.
I'm going to be blunt here. I don't actually care what you're doing tonight. I just need to know if I need to shave or not.
at the hospital. the stripper fell on his face when she was trying to grab the dollar bill out of his mouth with her ass. broken nose for sure.
For someone only wearing socks and a cast, I felt reallyy overdressed
Dude. All those hangovers I never had came back with a vengeance. I just opened the door of this car to barf. The car was not motionless. We are on the autobahn.
Can we put this graduation on the shelf figuratively and go drink
you know that feeling on acid where you think the world stops just to fuck with you? That's what it felt like.
We had sex on roll out bean bag chair, and then proceeded to sleep with a blanket with dolphins on it. Happy birthday to me.
You know your acid trip is going well when the orange you're eating gives you a life lesson
It took 5 bourbons for him to handcuff and spank me and then he cried after sex. The men that like me are so unstable.
Walk of shame through Chipotle? Check.
Pretty sure he was in my class in like 2nd grade
I like how you know everyone I've ever fellated.
he called her and asked for me. he wants to do dinner and a movie
her booty call wants to take you to dinner?
Randomize
