oh my god im such an asshole. i just asked the guitarist of bad religion if he was a scalper.
She's just bitter because she lost all the weight only to discover she doesn't have a pretty face after all.
HER PREGGO ASS BROUGHT SPEGHETTI-O'S... IN HER PURSE.
Hey I never found my wallet but i did find a bag of 14 soft taco supremes
I have your wallet. Trade you for the tacos.
Atty had lunch with DA and confirmed I am not the target of the investigation. No word on anything else
Don't byou dare ruin egg salad by putting your penis in it that would be so sad.
she chugged a bowl of salsa and then gave my ferret weight loss tips. she's like my fucking spirit animal now
Made a pan flute out of the varyingly empty beer bottles on the table. Played a glorious tune that paid tribute to the winds.
You tried tipping the cashier at Cook Out by shoving a dollar bill down his shirt and yelling "Magic Mike"
I think people like me is why alcohol became illegal at one point
You know you're hung-over when you're smoking and have the strong urge to eat the cigarette. No more buckets of gin. No. More. Ever.
Weird thing is that's not the first time I've been felt up by a Santa. Happens every year
We have a great relationship based on communication, sex, and mutual loathing.
I cannot pick him out of a line up. I remember he is blonde and his half flaccid dick looks like gonzo. So unless he pulls down his pants I don't know who he is
Hey, um, after thinking about it, I decided I really don't want to use applying olive oil to your ass for your fissure as part of foreplay because... well... really? Just read that again.
Randomize
