I successfully cooked a taquito with a lighter! My stomach hurts now tho.. im either guna blame it on the undercooked taquito or im feeling guily about porkin my brothers gf a lil bit ago
at a bar with my ex girlfriend.. both men AND WOMEN are hitting on her.. and not one has even looked at me
She said "Lay the fuck down and ill show you how its done. Ill get us both off." I did. And she did. Best words ever said before sex.
I've never seen anyone write a check for a bar tab before
I would like to apologize for making you the target of my "I wish head hair grew as fast as Pubes speech" the other night
We're too lazy too send a pic of out balls. Just assume this is a pic of our balls and respond accordingly.
We forgot to go back and get the brick YOU WANTED TO BRING INTO THE BAR?
I left his apartment Bc I lost my id. Wandered 5 miles barefoot. Got lost in downtown la. My phone died so I asked for directions from a man at the gas station.. Turns out he was a bum. He led me back to the apartment AND he found my id.
It's like the whiskey god was watching over you
i gave up on the vacation being fun the night i ate all the marshamallows out of the lucky charms while everyone else was having sex in the condo
Fuck these runners passing me on campus as I'm waking to dinner. With my huggie. With flavored vodka and rum. Aka yum
She looks like a beluga.
I want to splash her with water and when she screams say "I didn't want you to die. You looked parched"
Here's what I don't understand. How does anyone watch you eat mayo for 12 minutes and then ever fuck you again??
He started making out with my boobs. I didn't know whether to be proud of my boobs or ashamed of my mouth.
IN OTHER NEWS did you guys see Orlando Bloom's penis today? I did
I'd still fuck that
You'd fuck a dead moose
Quite possible
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