Nothing better then your mother meeting someone you randomly had sex with and him introducing himself as the guy who rocked her world once.
Just witnessed a walk of shame by a guy in a half gorilla suit. It's going to be a good day.
Sophomore year, I fucked on your desk chair. I'm sorry. I love you.
Just promise me we won't die tonight. I can't have an autopsy report that reads "stomach contents: Tequila and semen."
who knew i was capable of sobriety and human-like emotions all in the same night?
So... Apparently, "Home" isn't the correct response when a cop asks for your address...
It was a great idea until we got stuck in a ditch. We had to call redneck cousin 1
I wish the guy I was sleeping with wasn't on house arrest.
This guy is selling weed on the train. Like... Straight up. No fucks given.
He's like... An octopus that touches my vagina in all these diff ways at the right times. It's almost unsettling
You were supposed to be my wingman and all you kept to her friend was "kill it with fire"..
I can never have sex in Utah again. The altitude had me breathing like a fat kid going up stairs.
Last night I made out with two lesbians while dancing with another girl. I'm pretty sure it wasn't even real life.
He burst in the bathroom while I was peeing to hand me my beer I was looking for earlier tht night. And my pants were already down so I thought why not
Dude, my back STILL hurts from carrying the team on BP last night.
Randomize
