Her life has all the ingredients for a how to book: Making Your Life an Epic Fail
can we take a shower together?
no need for the romantic shit. I'm a sure thing
you used progresso chicken soup as a mixer last night
Just saw a drunk guy marching down the strip with a garden rake. I feel compelled to follw him
And he tried to make it as casual as possible by asking where i was going on vacation while he was poundin me.
Jeff just maced a waitress...it's way too early for this.
You're getting spoiled, you better send me at least a side boob pic if you wanna see my dick dressed up as Davie Crockett.
Well watching will be involved...it'll just most likely be of me licking your penis instead of me trying to understand how Hans Solo goes up against the Galactic Empire...
it's always good to have a friend that's a hairdresser, a massage therapist, maybe throw in a lawyer just in case, and always have a friend on food stamps
Honestly I was sitting in managerial accounting thinking "I really need to get my shit together and stop drinking so much wine." But when you asked I realized... it's wine. It's always a yes.
OMG -- There are strippers in the bathroom crying because their power moves aren't good enough to win the competition
I just gargled with NyQuil
He caught me mid-escape...one leg out the window, bra n thong in hand.I just looked at him and said "Bye Now" n proceeded to fall out his window....then.... tell me why he texted me 30 min later to make sure i got home ok! #igotthis
I am dancing alone in my bathroom because I was paranoid the neighbors were watching through the windows
I just came in my own mouth don't ask me how cuz it really hurt and felt good at the same time.
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