my brother is so whacked out on percocet from hurting his legs that he started crying because his belly button was so cute
Youll never guess who has to go to fucking planned parenthood because trojan cant make a fucking condom
I saw an Asian dude carrying a patchwork denim purse get into a car with two rednecks at the grocery store tonight. Imagine what I could have seen if I had actually done something interesting.
it feels like theres a golf ball between my legs. the sex was totally worth it tho.
I'm sorry for coming into your work place and trying to smuggle you out in my purse.
My clit ring got caught in his beard. Never. Again.
Just bought the plane tickets. Light headed. Blood rush to clit oh god blue clit. Mayday mayday vagina down!
I have a fannypack full of condoms and acid. Let's get weird.
I just threw up again because I opened my eyes... God is laughing. I resorted to taking the Mexican Dramamine because I feel seasick from walking. Not helping.
You insisted that your middle name was "velociraptor" for 20 minutes and every time someone said something you tried to relate it to velociraptors. That kind of drunk.
The more I piece together last night the more I want to vomit it out of my brain.
I vaguely remember a drunken mid sex pinky promise to not let it get weird.
I had to try on three different bathing suits to hide my boob hickies
we tried to make a drinking game out of 4 pokemon cards you found in a drawer.
He heard our neighbor’s vibrator through the wall, knocked on her door and now they’re doing it
The blonde?!? That’s just unfair! His penis already has a fairy tale existence
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