Earlier, I saw a homeless man that looked like Abe Lincoln, and I just saw a guy walk past wearing crocs and socks. I'm beginning to like this city less and less
Just got booted from water taxi for showing my balls to a security guard.
What are you wearing to our high school reunion?
I don't know, What kind of dress says "I feel sorry for you people?"
shes perfect for him. shes never seen a penis so she has nothing to compare his to.
there are 5 pictures on my phone from last night, 4 are too blurry to recognize and the 5th is you dangling a twizzler over your mouth, naked.
You ordered 6 boxes of pizza and laughed in the pizza guys face when you didn't pay for any of them.
What's the appropriate way to phrase "If you ever leave your wife give me a call. But we can still have sex periodically until then."??
Yes, you can 69 in a fiat. But I think I have permanent nerve damage
I'm going to have to start playing roller derby again so I can blame my sex-related bruises on that.
He got a slutty, ugly mother of a 7 year old, and I got a dog that only sleeps and shits on clean clothes. No one won in this break up.
I let my daddy issue flag fly free last night.
At this point, just throw that mattresses away. Or bronze it and display it as a testament to your shame. either is good.
I offered to give him "road head" while he played GTA 5. I think he will be more optimistic about date night in the future.
I woke up to him "wax on, wax off"-ing my boobs. I just reminded myself that I love him and let it happen.
He looks like a Mormon from a lifetime movie. Oddly I wanna give him a hand job
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