LA Sucks. The only way i can get laid is if i tell people im at a law firm that represent film producers.
And when they figure it out, they act like IM shallow.
the pub in dfw airport has a countdown timer to st. pattys day, to the second, i like texas
It never fails.. every time I have a dick in my mouth he calls me.
Apparently I kept telling people I was a pro tennis player again...
There are going to be so many Snookis this Halloween that I might just dress as the guy that hit her and punch them all in the face
professor came back from spring break missing a tooth
I forgot to tell you thank you for putting me out when I was on fire. im sure I'll laught about this someday...
I ended up driving home on my birthday, he opened the door to puke on the highway, and animal balloons were flying out of the car the entire time. The people behind us got a show.
bad news.. campus security walked me home last night and when i tried to tell them where i lived they assured me they knew where our house was.
Now accepting any stories about my adventures last night, in particular why my knuckles are bleeding.
You declared your undying love to a drag queen, then proceeded to puke into the poor man's purse.
STOP HOOKING UP WITH SOCCER MOMS! YOU ARE RUINING MY REPUTATION!
It was like a single vaginal boat in a sea of one eyed monsters
We've been here for 9 days, so of course I am high at my in-laws' house.
Don’t listen to me, I’m walking around wearing nothing but rave bracelets and headphones shouting “yeeeeaaahhhhhh”
Randomize
