dude, the building's fire alarm was going off for over an hour last night and you didn't move
that's ok, when I'm passed out drunk I'm impervious to flame
Why do I fail so hard at ironing, when I'm a woman and i should be amazing at it?
because god found you far too good at oral sex and had to make all things even?
Her life must suck. All she's got is "Miss Shamrock" WHICH SHE LOST!
I know I said I was done dating 22 year olds but it's not my fault all the guys my age gave up on life and got fat
Definitely Got caught hugging a strangers tree last night with 5 others.
As the guy I'm having sex with on the side I shouldn't ask you how to dump my boyfriend. But you are the most emotionally detached person I know.
Apparently throwing balloons filled with vodka off the roof is considered terrorism.
I ran into the bouncer who kicked me out of that beach bar a few months ago. I told him I'd only been thrown out of two other places since then. He was proud.
I feel like if anyone knew what an affection erection looked like it would be you
You don't understand. On her lunch break she sits on the roof, stares into the sky, and chain smokes. I can't get on her level. She is made up of java monsters with whiskey and a voice that sounds like sex.
You need to stop crushing on your boss or fuck her.
He serenaded me a cappella to Ed Sheeran. I wasn't going to leave his dick unsucked.
So hungover and decided to eat a burrito and a pot brownie for dinner, this is what adulthood looks like.
It was a good hour of moans, penis compliments, smacks, and what sounded like someone running in flip flops
YOU SLEPT WITH A GUY WHO HAS A BILLBOARD IN HIS HONOR?
just learned i can hear my fish chewing his food WHILE HES IN HIS BOWL. im going to have to call you back.
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