Soap is not a condiment
Blow job in a bar bathroom for my Thing 1 while in a onezie dressed up as Thing 2. Best Halloween ever.
I bet the Cat in the Hat never caused mischief like that.
I left a cheeto on everyone's car trailing to the house i'm at, hanzel and gretel style.
Well, I just hope you know I had your best interests at heart when I put your sandwich down my pants.
They asked if I was about to puke and my response was to laugh and suddenly throw up. Continuing my asshole streak I kept laughing while still vomiting.
you picked up the vacuum cleaner at one point and said you we gonna beat the shit out of me with it. that was kinda funny
Not sure why, but I was running back and forth across the road. Cab hit me and gave us a free ride home.
I'm petting the cat while shitting. This is all I ever wanted
Who has the safety vest from this past weekend Additionally, who has the dancemaster glove?
Find me a cup with a lid so I can illegally drink in your car. I'll be there in bout 10 minutes.
Walking down the street, Bro bumping to 'still' by dre. Dropped his trash on the ground and aggressively sped up when his light turned green. If you still had love for the streets you wouldn't of fucking littered. Took everything for me not to yell at him. I know you would've.
I just pawned the ring from my ex boyfriend to replace the ring I lost from my current boyfriend. #thanks
He took my necklace off while we were 69ing. His tongue never stopped moving either. Take that, guys who can't figure out how bras work.
That isn't the worst part. It got a bazillion times more awkward when he read me a poem he wrote about his dead cat.
Last night I tried to apply for a job at ihop. That drunk.
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