If you're gonna cry pregnant again I'm not coming over.
can you explain how you are here for one night and now my kitchen table is in 11 pieces..
beware of the wheat thins...there might be a knife in it
I couldn't function. I was to the point where I was using a bottle cap as a monocle.
I keep telling myself last night was not real, not real, not real. Then I remember I can't move. This hangover is too fucking real.
We got kicked out of the ice rink last night for drinking and checking strangers... but they let us keep the beer
That's just a really flattering way of saying, "Yes, you're useless, but you have great tits."
White people are beatboxing! Save me.
I woke up and found piles of popcorn in a trail around my house, ending at a laundry basket full of pillows. What were we trying to catch last night?
WHY THE FUCK IS MY BATH TUB FILLED WITH MUD?!
1. You were drunk 2. You wanted a mud bath\n3. We tried to talk you out of it, but you kept throwing dirt at us
They way I see it is I've wasted 7 years of having these glorious tits. I only have about 3 good years left before idk kids or just gravity takes over and they don't look this nice so it's basically open season.
The night's not a success unless at least 60% of participants wake up with bite marks on their genitals the next morning.
I don't know what kind of parties you go to, but we should hang out more often.
i didnt realize that your first thought would be SEXUALIZING BREAD
I’m 95% positive I adopted a bunny last night.
You had cocktails, didn’t you?
I once went to target high on hydrocodone. I assure you, they can handle unrespectable.
Randomize
