I just had to sit down with an 11 year old who threatened to dick slap a girl.
omg i finished an entire carton of double double chunk chunk ice cream last night...
what? what exactly is in double double chunk chunk?
self-loathing.
After she threw up on my floor she started singing "this is why I'm hot."
i told her that i loved her pillow breasts and then she asked me if i wanted to motor boat them. so yea, i do need the room tonite.
how convenient is it that the kid i'm fucking lives right next to planned parenthood?
He told me I took off my shirt, asked for the latino thunder and jumped on him. I want to question this but it sounds too much like me.
i just saw that homeless guy who dresses like the cat in the hat at the liquor store. i guess he got enough change to have a good weekend. oh the places he'll go
Saw my boss's vagina at that party. Hung over at work has never been more acceptable
I may be Daddy's little princess, but doesn't mean I can't be the blowjob queen.
His flight was delayed by two hours though. I just got cock-blocked by clouds :(
i got home safe but then alex started a fire so now we're at the hospital
Getting paid in weed to watch a pregnant adult with cooking skills is the TITS
If I ever drink whiskey again make sure I don't eat the plastic cups that I'm drinking them from.
This is random but I just wanted to thank you for all the things you taught me sexually in life.
Gotta say, self-deprecating Lord of the Rings-themed sex jokes were not on my agenda for today.
Randomize
