remember facepaint boy? turns out it stains. aaaand i have it all over my face and neck.
Highlight of the day: realizing the man in the car next to mine was getting road head... at 2:45pm... nicely done sir, nicely done.
His dick was as big as my arm. Giving him a handjob was like giving someone an Indian sunburn.
I might not be able to enter cuba but that doesn't mean that a cuban can't enter me
That's what you get for fucking someone nicknamed "wiggle worm"
she drove 3 hrs one way just to sleep with me. I felt bad complaining about paying for condoms.
You rubbing siracha on a cat with your feet is the opposite of what I want.
Wow, nothing is more special than changing the channel and seeing the guy who groped you on Saturday night...
I saw that you sent me a photo and the first thing out of my mouth was "I swear if it's another photo of a dick poking out of a bubble bath"
He just texted me saying "you've got a face that suggests you give really good head". Is this a compliment? Do I say thanks?
Her mom is a nurse who got called in to declare someone dead. Just got wing manned by a corpse.
I woke up and my backpack was empty. He used me for sex, and back to school supplies.
"I'm pretty sure all our toasts were to Ben Afflecks penis last night."
i could only love him more if he was covered in glitter.
I just discovered my new vice. Cotton candy vodka. Its like a carnival in my mouth, puking of the tilt-a-whirl included.
Randomize
