You're the end to all my bad dreams.
Did you have that reoccuring dream about me banging your mom again?
If they made snuggies with a sleeve for my morning wood, id consider buying one...
You were scared that your teeth were shrinking so you stuck your fist in your mouth. then you were convinced your hand was growing cuz it got stuck so yu started crying
Turns out they use me as an example of What Not To Do at freshman orientation. My little brother told me.
All four of us managed to throw up in the same bathroom at different times during the night. I think we'll get along great living together.
he was drinking wine. Puking into an empty water bottle. And eating french toast. ....All at the same time.
Just think about how many life skills I lack. Cooking... Driving... Sobriety...
And I'm also limping. I just wish that I had self control. I'm 23 for fuck sake and I'm sitting at work, with mascara down my face, vomit on my clothes and an unknown black substance on my tits. How will I ever find my Greek husband if I keep this up?
I invented the best game. It's called "what touched my exposed nutsack?" It can range from pillows to toothbrushes
Jacked up my neck and shoulder hanging on for dear life while I rode him like a boss. Plus my house smells like broccoli, bad! How's YOUR morning?
When you finally get laid, I shall make you a trophy out of dildos
I just had the worst experience of my life, my grandma found my condoms.
30 year old woman with braces and crocs came into the store today with her boyfriend. what am I doing wrong.
Serious question: does drunken cyber sex with a stranger on omegle count as cheating???
Have you actually looked at the corn flakes box? I don't think the rooster has a soul.
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