two of my INSANE ex girlfriends just texted me saying their coming over because im home alone. needless to say, im deleting my twitter.
Banned from zoo.
Again?
Agreed. Everyone should experience a blackout before 3pm in their lifetime.
I still have your handprint on my ass. You're not allowed to ignore me yet.
her facebook pictures are like a timeline of all the guys she's screwed.
One question: Why is your trash can full of blood and pop-tarts?
He came in my eye, I lost my earring and all of his friends saw me topless. Happy New Year to you as well.
He leaned in to kiss me and I dodged him but i fell on the floor. I guess I never got up cuz I woke up on the floor and he was in his bed
Its really bad when you fall asleep at a stop light outside the hotel and you wake up to a small spanish limo driver knocking on your window to tell you it's a green light
During breaking dawn, he leaned over and asked me why she would have to worry about her period since she essentially just married a walking super-absorbant tampon... It was the best way to ruin those movies for me.
You brought us all personal gifts you had stolen from the party and bellowed "hoes hoes hoes, clepto Santa loves you"
You've fucked so many I should get a word bank when you make me guess these things.
if he ever tells me he loves me when we are sober, i am a goner. just fyi.
The clothing optional portion of the night began around midnight. Then we did disgusting things to each other. It was beautiful.
I think next time I give head I'm gonna try making the chewbacca noise.
I look forward to it
Randomize
