Ross. Joey. Chandler. Who would you do?
there's a booger on my laptop, i suspect it's yours
she farted while i was going down on her. not doing that again
we were pretty classy up until the second keg
I'm partying with my neighbors right now, and by "with my neighbors" I mean they are partying in their backyard and I'm partying in mine, and by "partying" I mean I'm sitting here alone drinking tequila.
There's cake. And donuts. And strippers. It's like 5 year old me and 20 year old me are throwing a party together...
I hope I take a shit on your face in your dreams tonight.
The walk of shame out of a freshman dorm isn't so bad when you're 25, nobody questions you because they think youre gonna bust them for having weed
He ate me out on the kitchen floor while we waited for the cake to bake. How was your Valentines Day?
Immediate regret. She's like a chihuahua on crack.
Did you like my voicemail? Sounded like I was being murdered, right?
By a pack of ravenous dildos
Oh, also as a concerning side note, my bra had drops of blood on it. So I don't know what the deal was, but someone I was around was definitely bleeding a decent amount.
Best part about a crippling state-wide drought? Actually having a valid excuse for not showering
Just zoned back in to real life and found myself chanting "noodle eater noodle eater noodle eater" at my parrot as he devoured a single macaroni
My roommate randomally bought me two bags of pretzels. Worst "Sorry you can hear me fucking my boyfriend everynight" gift ever.
Randomize
