Dear everyone that texted me last night wondering where i was. i ended up face down blacked up drunk before i made it to the party. My bad
I just watched the Dark knight, Maggie Gylennhaal looks like Katie Holmes after a stroke
you're the only person i know to use "jizz" and "cute" in the same sentence.
And it was confirmed to me that I did in fact cut my girlfriend out of her dress with my sword.
I've had more sex in the two weeks since we broke up than I ever had in any two weeks we were together.
Needing to keep one leg on the floor during sex so you dont spin should qualify for some kind of drunk award.
No one figured out why I brought along the vibrating massager.
New Halloween costume idea: Frankenstorm. We have three hours. Make it work.
future reference: when you get a text that says "WARNING: EXPLICIT PHOTOS BEING DELIVERED. VIEWERS DISCRETION IS ADVISED." you always open the attached picture.
Yeah. I woke up in an awkward three way spoon with him and his sister. Tequila!
at any given day I am at least 60% invested in my work. today I am staggered around 3.5%
When dealing with embarassing medical issues, don't you want your brother's wife to be the one fishing around up your ass?
We fucked while The Odyssey played in the background. Homer would be proud.
You spent the whole night conversing with your zombie poster, so I'd say you were pretty far gone.
I am at the car wash dressed as a turn of the century librarian
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