I'm officially my mother.. Smoking in the garage pretending to take the dog out in a big ugly jacket
If you ever find a dick that big chop it off and bring it to me.
found out that hot proper business chick in my class A) did a bar crawl last 2 night and still showed up to class and B) is 19 and C) so not as proper as I thought D) is single. How the fuck does that work? Freaking superwoman.
Are you awake? Because I would like to know whether or not I should refrain from giving my evil laugh when I enter the apartment...
His mom already thought we were lesbians BODY SHOTS WERE JUST NOT AN OPTION SORRY
I think that thing where I have 2 boyfriends is happening again
I'm just chillin on the bathroom floor
Haha oh no
The bathroom floor is like my second bedroom on the weekends
I showed him my toy collection and he goes, "You won't need those anymore," and dropped his pants. I threw the House of Pleasure out last night.
Sorry that I was such a monster last night. It was the drugs, I promise.
It's getting harder and harder to fake orgasms as I get older.
You can not love someone based on who they were when they were 9. Does he know how many dicks I've sucked since then?
is buying liquor on my lunch break too aggressive?
This is the third time I have overheard parents tell their children "don't be that girl" in reference to me. I'm either doing something horribly wrong or amazingly right
I'll give you another blowjob if you bring me some cake.
Divorce can be hard, but look on the bright side. Your soon to be ex raved about your dick and I’m great with hard things ;-)
Randomize
