Yo, if someone calls you asking for John Stamos, just go with it.
Dude you make losing your phone an art. You left it balancing on a two liter bottle in the kitchen. Wtf
She started crying and told me to leave half way through, I'm walking down main with a bottle of patron and a sweatpants boner.
this better not be you asking for a beej
We used a lit joint as a candle for her birthday cake
it's gotten to the point where there are no existing good choices. even our good choices are bad choice by anyone's standards but ours.
So, we bought a knight today. Nearly life size. Hes in the garage, so don't be startled.
I stuck my fake eyelashes to his balls after he passed out.
Watermelon juice. Makes everything better. Gin. Wine. EVERYTHING.
He wins the giant teddy bear for getting the neuva ring on the dick
I think I got a sinus infection from puking out my nose on st. Patricks day #thisis26
You know how I said I hit my head so hard I saw two of him and tried to make out with both? Well, it turns out he has a twin.
It's not a walk of shame if you run
he kissed both of us goodnight when we dropped him off...I didn't know if I was more offended or impressed
I've realized that drinking at your apartment alone on a Tuesday probably isn't a good thing.
There will be plenty of opportunity for me to sexualize Mike via VenMo.
Randomize
