My room smells like vodka and shame
so last night my mother drunkenly told me that maybe the reason why I want to be a vet was because I was conceived doggy style.
Pls don't use the words alligator, purple, and sperm in the same sentence ever again.
I'm pretty sure this isn't my phone, but I do like these nude pics
Evidently I told a girl she should leave the bar because no one wanted to fuck her.
Are you still crying. What are you doing. Have 10 shots of tequila.
I tried to talk to him, but he didn't recognize me at first. I had to show him the top of my head and then he remembered.
He sent me a 7 minute voicemail of him playing wonderwall on the acoustic guitar I'm not even kidding did he seriously think that would work
I feel like I was dropped out of a helicopter. Through the propeller.
It's a little sad/awesome that I scored coke within 60 seconds of walking in the bar.
The student becomes the teacher.
Not gonna make it. My ovaries are playing laser tag
First time for everything: started posting a Facebook comment, decided I'm not quite sober enough. Progress.
Well I had to use a seat cushion at Soul Cycle today so, yeah, I'd say the sex was good
I don't know, we got really drunk and I slapped her with an ear of corn.
You spent the entire night trying to catch pigeons and hugged a homeless guy and then gave him a pregnancy test.
Randomize
