You hook up with other guys, let him talk to other girls.
no
If someone cant be won over with guacomole and tequila they are not worth your time.
Apparently, banging my bartender ex-girlfriend = free drinks again. Not every bad decision is a wrong decision.
we ended up on her 9 year old brothers bed and he saw the whole thing.... now he will know how to use his equipment
You opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a wall last night.
The homeless guy out front said it's his birthday and he asked us to join him for happy hour after work. He's buying a fifth of gin to celebrate.
walked into class wearing my zorro costume. some girl just said "oh my god, i fucked zorro this weekend." I found her.
I usually just read books and meditate to an aquatic soundtrack of sea walrus's mating. But ill choose coors light instead
WRONG DAY TO COME TO CLASS STONED!! WRONG DAY TO COME TO CLASS STONED!! WE'RE WATCHING BIRTHING VIDEOS!!!!
My brother and I have had one conversation in the past like 3 weeks and it was about what it would be like as a sentient butt plug
1. so the new neighbor u called dibs on.. I'm sorry..but not really. 2. She lactates, I guess that happens when you have a kid less then 5 months ago.... WTF!! 3. Is it fucked up I'm craving Ceral & Milk now?
At 3:00am my whole house started smelling like cooking meat. I have no idea why she thought it was a good idea to crock-pot a WHOLE turkey that early in the morning.
The date did not go well. Turns out I once set her brother on fire.
Apparently we fucked, I kicked him out, then he came back and we did it on the coffee table and in the kitchen.
If it were up to me his wife would never get his penis again, but I guess they have some sort of arrangement
Yes, an arrangement called marriage
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