I gave up sex with dolphins for you.
Hungover. Be in at noonish. Turn my monitor on and put a hot cup of coffee on my desk so the boss thinks I'm in
we went to the store to buy cookie dough and conditionally went straight towards the booze
drunk tastebuds have low standards.
He's just so adorable. And I don't want to fuck someone who's adorable.
Using the random money I found in my bra from Halloween to pay to print my bio notes. I only brought a debit to the bar. College win.
the breathalyzer kept saying danger. we made our new slogan danger we need more shots
In other news it turns out I like Heineken.. In a desert island kind of way
I could run a drunk marathon in heels
Eating a chocolate bar and crying over a cobweb. Life is beautiful and I love shrooms.
...there was a woman in the stall next to me in the Walmart bathroom having a massive bowl movement and whispering "I'm sorry" over and over
You know you're getting old when 19 year olds you've met on tinder advise you that you should start looking for a wife and/or the mother of your children
You should have just fucked me in the bathroom when you had a chance!
If a weird guy texts you in the near future asking if you are satan just go with it
Any who, I expect to be showered with roses apon my arrival
How about beer and nachos?
A fine substitute!
Randomize
