Say my name once during sex just to fuck with her. Like when it gets rough.
If a fat man falls in the shower and nobody is in the apartment, does his pride still hurt? Answer: yes
my credit card is covered in vodka and bad memories
At CVS buying just condoms. The guy behind me is buying just hotdog buns. There was a silent moment of understanding between us.
Who would win... a chainsaw pooping pterodactyl or a bear with machine guns for feet. big debate about this right now
Just found out my ex boss was running a whore house in the bar. Time to remove her as a reference?
Do you think I can wear the dress I went to jail in with the shoes I went to prom in to the wedding tonight?
Lets start a coed nudist frat/sorority. It would be amazing. Or just an orgy club. It would also be amazing
I found all these half eaten mandarin orange on the ground and the bruises on my neck are definetely not hickies
So what's the moral standing on reading gay porn on your phone whilst sitting next to your 87 year old Grandma?
Would it be playing god to put spaghetti on my pizza?
How does it feel to date your dad?
This guy wants me to put ice under his foreskin. What!?
Drinking wine while working. Yay.
Just had sex at the YMCA.
We are so productive today.
Just went to Meijer. Purchased furnace filters, fishing line, red lipstick and pregnancy test. And if my purchase alone wasn't classy enough, I took the pregnancy test in the Meijer bathroom because Im on my way to the bar and wanted to know if that was a good idea or not. Cheers to no babies!
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