Shark Week may as well be Shark Weed.
This girl I work with, who is 18 btw, invited me to her baby shower. Do they sell abortions in gift certificate form?
my mind is a poorly written porno when i'm drunk.
Pro tip: Don't start playing Bejeweled on Facebook while waiting for your Adderall to kick in. Unless you have the next 9 hours free.
You just kept rubbing her head and repeating "I really like your head, I want your head..." over and over for like 10 minutes straight... And she didnt even stop you.
I just delivered a ham and cheese to a strip club. you were right this job is not that bad
I KNOW. I'm like, ew who are these ppl. And then I remember I'm traveling to New York to accidentally hook it with two different dudes in one weekend.
Have you ever chugged beers in the hospital parking garage with your mom?
Guess who won a bet and gets to name it Optimus prime if it's a boy
Nevermind. Totally worth it.
I need a Jamo leash. Just tie it to my wrist and every time you see me reaching for a shot of it, just yank my hand away
If I puke off the kayak tomorrow think nothing of it.
Please remind me tomorrow that I ate a loaf of jimmy johns bread on the toilet 5 mins ago
She took me into the bathroom and force fed me a panini, it was pretty good.
Roomies told me I showed up to my house alone with no pants on and burrs in my hair... I live in the middle of the city
If you can throw 105 mph it’s mandatory that you’re hung.
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