The maid of honor just puked.
i really like this girl i slept with last night
you ask her out again?
yeah but she said she is busy next weekend getting married
come over
yeah sure
wait who is this again? my contacts got deleted...but tell me and ill be there in 10
We got so high yesterday we tried watching soccer
She has an album entitled "my photography", which consists of about 80 different pictures of a tractor that she took on her cell phone. I'm all for freedom of expression, but come on.
I just found a beer pong ball in my mail box. I think its a sign
Well see how he likes it when I randomly start crying and saying my dads name during sex I WILL RUIN ALL HIS FUTURE BONERS
When's a good time to tell your boyfriend you've slept with his ex girlfriend?
She said my new name was "ranch" because I "looked delicious"
After your flask fell out of your leg brace and you told your RA that it was juice, you tried to unlock your dorm room but your key was attached to your bra so he ended up seeing your boobs
Sorry again for almost setting you on fire.
He’s 21. The president of his frat. I’m 28 and have a career!
Do it. It’s a noble position.
Jello shots? I thought you weren't drinking tonight.
Im not drinking im slurping
I know! It's like he knows when my vagina wants to misbehave!
Julius Caesar had a huge penis
WTF are you reading?
Ha ha! No, the guy in the Caesar costume last night. We hooked up. His dick was huge
Randomize