there is nothing more satisfying than playing sudoku while pooping
my periods are so regular now that they are sync-ed with my subscriptions of vogue.
I'm drinking reisling in a paper cup by myself in the garage.
the nurse was shocked when I handed her a cup of green piss. what did she expect giving me a drug test on st. patty's day?
we were bear claw grabbing his crotch in the middle of the bar yelling prominent ridge over and over.
Last night: Repeatedly yelled about how the fishbowl tasted like blue, stole a stranger's hat, hugged the DJ for playing my request, made out with my roommate, and abandoned the guy I dragged to the club in the first place
This morning: Hat doesn't fit, hangover headache is blue, and I can't move without getting lightheaded
Listen when they tell you not to drink after giving blood
He straight up just had me drive all the way here and when I got here he was drinking a cup of tea and right after said he needed to go to bed
One day her vagina is just going to shrivel up and seal itself with it's self preservation mechanism
Is it bad that I'm tracking my period with Instagram pictures?
So they just told me that while I was being loaded into the ambulance the cop told them if they were good friends they'd post it on Facebook...
The subtweets were good enough
I'll have to text you later. Trying to have civilized conversations with the boyfriends parents when I'm 100% aware I just blew their son in the bathroom 5 mins ago. Stay tuned.
I really feel like I should slow down on the getting hammered. I told a bartender on "Taco Tuesday" that a $3 margarita was too expensive. And proceeded to have a $70 tab.
He Dutch ovened me while I was hiding under the covers from his mom. Needless to say it did not end well.
I just referred to our excessive fireball consumption as a team building exercise and everyone in group text agreed.
We're not alcoholics, we're a god damn team.
I ripped my favorite bra in half last night while I was undressing in a drunken rage.
What was the rage all about?
He wouldn't stop to let me get McDonald's french fries.
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