I think the recipie for awesome sauce is butter and semen
I am so getting Plan B when we get home. Not getting knocked up by a dude with a hair piece.
Also you were throwing your phone yelling this is durable as shit
People are yelling about how much they want you here.
I'm going to change, vomit up my mexican food to save the trouble later, and then come meet you. Thrilled.
Getting dressed and listening to the song Buffalo Bill danced to in Silence of the Lambs. I'm a perfect psych major.
I'm in a corner eating carrots and drinking champagne. I've hit a new kind of low.
How is that low? I love carrots.
I threw up through my nose tonight. Happy cinco de mayo
I'm 99% sure I just flashed my dad with my vagina. So that's the new low now.
He made me choke him and call him Papi..so all in all a good night.
He compared my vagina to his favorite T-shirt. I don't know if I should take that as a compliment or not..
We were like ok let's be eachothers maid of honor and then you were like "ok see you at the wedding" and walked away
I'm perplexed as to why anyone on this planet is straight
I was at a hookups house and peed in his sink so I wouldn't wake up his mom... drunk me is on a different level
you were so high you just watched the elf.... its spring
Can we skype so I'm not drinking alone?
Randomize
