In hindsight maybe we should have moved his homework instead of playing quarters on top of it.
Pretending to be straight requires way more energy than I'm willing to use in this heat.
I just found out my birth date is Pick Your Poison Day. Goodbye, conscience, forever. I was born to live like this.
Just got booked to do a bachelorette party for a polygamist wedding. And notice I only text you to rub things in your face and show you my life shits on yours. Daily.
she's doing key bumps of parmesean cheese
I'm not drinking anymore...and by that, I mean until St. Patrick's Day.
I just ate powdered extacy out of my wallet. I think I might have for a second of my reasonable life been on your level.
Jesus christ it's been two texts and we are already talking about dildos
Lets now bow our heads and think of girls with ex boyfriends who were great at fingering them. That's so sad.
you guys just sat there and simultaneously smoked bowls staring at each other... it was like a bowl off or something.
You were discovered in a bush, smoking, and singing "in the jungle" to yourself. Which explains the scratches, but not the orange paint.
its gotten to the point where if her hand isn't on my butt i think we're in a fight
It's acceptable to bring him back to my parents house and fuck on the couch right??
So, I feel bad. I just told my husband I had sex with someone else while on a business trip. Today is his birthday. I'm kind of a dick.
I walk into the pharmacy and I'm like "I need three morning after pills" and the guy was like "uhhhh". All I said was "we didn't plan it, we all just got laid the same night"
Randomize
