my soul wont recognize me after tonight
Hookers taste better with whip cream
Maybe we ought to get some pennicillin too
Fair enough
My new apartment is within walking distance of both the liquor store and the chinese buffet. This is either going to be my worst life choice ever or my best.
just got off the metro to throw up and got back on like it ain't no thang
really making moves this morning i see
it's official, i know exactly what cross streets we're at by the bumps when i give him road head
You wouldn't let me clean the puke off your face because I'd mess up your cat whiskers. Now that's dedication.
I never thought that taking apart multiple age 5 and under puzzles would be part of my house party clean up process.
Yeah, sorry about that. I just couldn't stop.
my vagina hasn't met your boyfriend yet ... makes me sad
It's funny to me the only time that you clean up is when your weed delivery man is on the way.
They used the ice bucket from their room to drink beer from and called it the "Holy Grail"
I rubbed his back while he puked for an hour and then ended up getting laid when I tried to put him to bed, best puke and rally I've ever seen.
He literally had a Trump sign in his front yard. I just can't now.
I just noticed, at some point last night I got on iTunes and purchased over 100 classical piano songs.
you were so high you asked for half double stack and half crispy chicken sandwich "welded together" in the wendy's drive through
Just make sure you put pants on
....then im not going
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