I just got back to Nicks and I shoul dnot have drank this much when I have to work at 7AM!!!!!
Driving out to Plano is like driving away from your twenties
did you hook up at the wedding?
No but I jerked off on the hotel sheets. I wanted to get my moneys worth.
I just saw on the news, this guy tried to smuggle coke in a bouquet of roses... and to think I used to hate valentines day.
Gotta love hanging with Nat. By the time guys realize she isnt going home with them, they've spent enough money and time to think I'm a good idea.
Why did 20 jello shots in a row sound like a good idea last night?
Oh trust me, i am. It's like magic, but instead of rabbits and doves its orgasms- He just keeps pulling them out of nowhere.
He shit in a sock dude, you can't come back from that
she just stared at nothing and then looked at me and goes, "that's a weird place to put the wall"
I said "I am wrapped in the Cocoon Of Comfort! You should go." He started to argue and I yelled "COCOON OF COMFORT!!!" silencing him
I never thought I would be saying these words but...when did David Spade get hot?
Just did. I played that shit out so casual I deserve an Oscar. Or am Emmy, or whatever the fuck you get for acting like a boss
My grandma just invited me to gate crash a funeral for the free food. Priorities.
Just got home from work. I'm going to change into sweats for a while before I have to wear normal pants to the party like I promised.
My breath smells like dick and biscuits..
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