apparently I kept yelling at her that I wanted t-Rex sized lines. awesome
Are you absolutely against sleeping in your car? Because i've done that before.
Can we play rock paper scissor shot again? I want to black out in 15 minutes or less...
Turns out the old man beside me in the waiting room was dead, but other then that it was a good day.
Someone put a huge skyy vodka bottle in our washing machine. My roommate didn't see it and ran it. The washing machine split in two. #life
I can't help that I bring out the sex in people
I kinda got drunk and threw my debit card into a bonfire so I don't have any money at the moment lol.
Hey, dude, is Kevin still passed out on your porch?
Yeah. I'm gonna go leave a pitcher of bloody mary next to him in case he's still alive.
Today's hangover is probably top 3 of all time. Just threw up in an envelope. I'm on the ferry and didn't want to get out to puke over the side because I thought I might fall in the river.
I'm at 45 minutes post orgasm, and I still feel my insides spasming. Pretty sure I just fucked Superman.
Dealing with people is so much easier after you've had an orgasm or 4.
i had a flashback to you roaring like a dying tiger and then throwing your wallet (maybe?) at the cat in the living room and saying "you're the only adult that lives here take all my money"
I sent him a topless photo and he complimented my eyes. I'm not sure if I'm offended or pleasantly surprised.
Life's hard when you can't differentiate between retrograde and PMS
ALL I WANT IS SEMEN IN/ON/AROUND MY BODY. WHY IS HE MAKING THIS SO HARD.
Randomize