I'm going to jail i love you
Some girl just toasted to friendship and love. I want to break her neck.
she was on her period so I asked if she wanted to make ass babies
we did rock-paper-scissors to see who would find out if you had alcohol poisoning
Im about to shotgun a beer using my mother's knitting needles. home sweet home.
ASS. GYMANSTICS. OLYMPICS. NOW!!!
Get here, there are important joints to be smoked and pies to be eaten
We were hunting our best friend with a BB gun in the backyard. I'd say the vaporizer was a worthy investment at this point.
The cop let us off with a warning because I had more Twitter followers than he did. The future is terrifying.
he stopped mid makeout and said "can I pray for you?"
I'm saying "I told you so" now so that I don't slow down to say it on the way to grab the fire extinguisher
Get over your kidney infection all ready. You have been sober for too long.
GOOD MORNING! This is your wake up call! Just incase this text wasn't enough, I had sex on your bed last night while you were drunk hitting on my sister. Dan jizzed on your pillow! We rubbed it on both sides! Now get up and go to class!
Jesus fucking Mary Christ if I have to clean shit out of my fucking bathtub one more fucking time I'm gonna murder a fucking kitten
So...I'm pretty sure I have officially determined that reverse cowgirl is the only position possible to have sex in my smart four two
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