i was drunk at family dinner telling about my gay brothers sex ads on criags list
The men handing out bibles on the quad are blatantly skipping me... am i that obvious
I told him i wanted to be exclusively cheating with him
In the middle of pouring my wine you asked me if I could hear your vibrator from my room.
dude she looked like Newman from Seinfeld I'm done with this wingman shit
By the way, I got bored last night and just started putting my balls on every object in your room. One at a time.
I would compare it to a jeffrey but in smoothie form. More drugs in here than Bobby Brown's sock drawer.
We where late for the party because we spent the last hour staring at a towl becase we thought it was a raccoon
I filled two of the glass ornaments in my mom's bathroom last night with vodka. That way no one sees me drinking on Christmas. Alcoholic or genius? All I know it makes bathroom trips frequent and enjoyable.
I can't even tell you how many rave sticks I tore apart with my teeth last night.
She literally just changed his birthday. Overly attached girlfriend has nothing on her.
You called a girl at 4:30am to tell her "your pussy is my top priority" while simultaneously Urban Spooning late night cafes.
Some fat latino guy has these 2 fat white moms making out with each other on the dance floor
It's a noodle incident. All I can say is that it was completely accidental, no one was too seriously injured, and I'm not allowed back to that bar without a designated pusher for my wheelchair.
After the 2nd person threw up, you told us that your 'mint shooters' were just shots of mint mouthwash
Randomize
